New leaf means new life. 2021.

 You cannot start the new chapter of you life if you keep re-reading last one.

Sigh. I wouldn't ever expect that 2020 did really had my life changed. Entirely. The end of everything. The book that i read and the last chapter of 2020... would ever be this hard and sore.

Benarlah hati manusia itu terlalu rapuh. Terlalu kemas kau genggam hanya akan menghancurkan namun jika gengaman itu longgar, kau terlepas.

Dan waktu itu baru kau sedar, semua itu hanya sementara.

2020. I didn't expect that i will be placed at my hometown. Last time in my posting i did mention that i am working as a staff of HSNZ. And after 4 months there, i've got a new placement, new workplace and new colleagues. To be able to restart a new life, quite some struggle for the person like me. Tapi alhamdulillah, i've made it. benarlah orang kata, the start always the harder. sekarang aku bertugas as staffnurse di Dewan Bedah Hospital kemaman. pheww. dewan bedah weh.

being in a new place is challenging. Operational Theather isnt a choice but a fate. It is quite fun here. aku tak perlu bergaduh dengan relatives, layan perangai 'manjalitis' patient kerja separuh mati. the environment here agak terapeutik berbanding dengan ward. aku enjoy dekat sini. nak balik rumah pun senang. setiap minggu boleh rasa masakan ma. bahagia do'oh  doh orang Ganu sebut.   

But somewhere over the rainbow and joy, there is a slight streak of lightning. mungkin selama ni aku terlalu konfiden, yakin dan selesa. Aku terlalu seronok pada satu space yang aku create sendiri without realizing that i have been standing too close to the edge. Dan aku tergelincir, jatuh ke jurang tanpa penghujung. Hujung 2020 menjadi penghujung kisah aku dan dia. My Deer and I.

It's tearing me apart.

It's killing me.

And yeah, i already died inside.

When and where the things go wrong initially. What and how this happen?  I keep questioning myself, asking for a whys and whys. Aku makin buruk ke? Tak cukup komunikasi ke? Sebab tak kerja sekali dah ke? Atau asyik gaduh??

My Deer cukup baik. Aku tak mampu nak benci dia. Walaupun ada perkara yang kami bercanggah, satu yang aku mampu cakap. Dia seorang yang baik. buruk dia, biar Tuhan je yang simpan. Kadang tu kita hanya mampu merancang namun untuk penentuan dia hanya Allah s.w.t.

Macam mana nak cakap eh. Sedih? Damn yeah. Apa yang kita usahakan, masa yang kita luangkan dan kisah yang kita kongsi. Every single days. Hairan bagaimana out of the blues, semua sudah tak macam dulu.

Tapi kita siapa nak tolak takdir. And the closed book, might not be open again.